Players’ names spark real need for food
I admit, I was desperate for a weekend column when I put together an assorted list of NFL players’ names.
A seed for the column started last weekend watching Baltimore at Kansas City.
You see, I am on a new diet kick – no salt, no chips – and the telly kept showing the back of Kansas City wide receiver Byron Pringle.
For those not aware, Pringles are American potato- and wheat-based, stackable, fun, snack chips.
No sooner had those snackables faded from mind when I spotted Washington Redskins tight end Jeremy Sprinkle rolling across the field on Monday Night Football like a 6-5, 256-pound doughnut.
I swear I could see his uniform sparkling with many colors.
Wanting to beat ESPN’s Chris Berman to the punch with his infamous player nicknames, here is my list of the most interesting men in the NFL, by way of food.
10, Eli Apple, New Orleans. Apples, which I’ve added to my diet, are being picked like crazy here. We do live in the apple-producing capital of the world. To go with Apple is Myles Jack, Jacksonville, since Jack cheese goes well with apples.
9, Jaquiski Tartt, San Francisco. Gotta have dessert with some Jordan Berry or Ian Berryman, both of Pittsburgh.
8, Glen Coffee, San Francisco. And some coffee with my Tartt. A close second would be Herb Waters of Pittsburgh.
7, Dan Skipper of New England. Playing in the Northeast with such a name (or Northwest, even), takes you right to Skippers Seafood ‘n Chowder restaurant.
6, Vinny Curry, Philadelphia. I love curry, from mild to mildly hot. I’ve gotten older and hot curry is not on my menu anymore.
5, Darnell Holland, New Orleans, and Jordan Holland, San Francisco, conjure an image of hollandaise sauce. Since we have two players with that last name, that means I can have seconds.
4, CJ Ham, Minnesota. I like to put ham in my hollandaise sauce and sandwiches (with some David Mayo of the New York Giants on some pumpernickel bread by way of Donnel Pumphrey of Philadelphia). You also could put some caraway seeds on top by way of Josh Carraway of the Los Angeles Rams and spice as in Taybor Pepper of Miami or Jabrill Peppers of the New York Giants.
3, Nyheim Hines, Indianapolis. I put ketchup on just about anything, including hollandaise sauce and ham. Honest, I do.
2, Chris Lammons, Miami. This whole column is about making Lammons into Lammonade (or Hines into Heinz).
1, There is a huge need to wash all this down. Take your pick of Sheldrick Redwine, Cleveland; Gerhard De Beer, Kansas, or Greer Martini, Minnesota.
Getting away from food for a second, the game I would love to watch would be the Los Angeles Rams, with cornerback Dominique Hatfield, taking on either Kansas City with running back LeSean McCoy or Washington with quarterback Colt McCoy.
Such a matchup would be a real Hatfield and McCoy battle. (Unfortunately, the Rams don’t play either of the teams this year.)
Some names come in colors like Brown, Gray and Green.
Other last names bring to mind famous people.
My favorite names include Kendrick Bourne of San Francisco. The Bourne connection being Damon Webb of Tennessee, who has star Matt Damon’s first name and Bourne’s original last name, Webb.
David Quessenberry of Tennessee brought to mind professional baseball pitcher Dan Quisenberry of Kansas City (I had him on my fantasy teams in the ‘80s; loved his sidearm delivery).
Other intriguing last names include Chad Beebe of Minnesota (same spelling as the bridge near Chelan); Dewayne Hendrix of Miami; Garrett Bradbury of Minnesota (close was James Bradberry, Carolina); Jordan Dangerfield of Pittsburgh and Marshall Newhouse of New England (as in Rep. Dan Newhouse, House of Representatives) and Temarrick Hemingway of Carolina.
For those who made it this far, let me say I found a kindred spirit with offensive tackle Blake Camper of the Los Angeles Chargers.
We are both happy campers.
Although Blake’s last name has nothing to do with food, at 6-8, 309, he certainly loves food, just like me! (Kyle Love of Carolina or Bryce Love of Washington also love food.)
Al Camp is the sports editor at The Chronicle. Email him at email@example.com.